Monday 11 January 2010

The Child In Time

Driving to work this morning, a man's voice on the radio.

‘It does not seem to me that we understand the laws governing the return of the past. But I feel more and more as if time did not exist at all, only various spaces interlocking according to the rules of a higher form of stereometry, between which the living and the dead can move back and forth as they like. And the longer I think about it, the more it seems to me that we who are still alive are unreal in the eyes of the dead.’

WG Sebald (whose punctuation was no doubt far better than mine and to whom I can only apologise)

Perhaps it is us who are the ghosts.
Perhaps, in the eyes of the dead, we are the ones who appear insubstantial and thin.

I often think of Georgina as a shadow, as someone who slipped away.
But, perhaps, it is me who is the shade.

Jessica and I are left immersed in time, to soak in time until we are saturated with it.
Until time has filled up all the spaces within us. Between our cells, inside our veins.

Time pulls Jessica upwards like a weed, she grows taller, her limbs thicken, she learns to speak and walk, the circuitry inside her mind fires sparks.
Time has started to tug me downwards, wrinkling my face, wilting my body, dulling my mind.

Time. It will not leave either of us in peace.

We are impermanent.
In a state of flux.
Until the end of our days.
Time exerts forces upon us that we are powerless to stop.

But not Georgina.
Georgina is static, untouched.
Not for her the flickering parade of images that time makes of the living.

She will always remain the same. Permanent.

Time rested its hand gently upon her head and then sent her away.

The strange accelerations, twists and convulsions of time are not for her.
She will never sit waiting for the clock to nudge forward another hour.
She will never watch her body grow, fade and die.
She will never wake disorientated from dreams of childhood.

She is a different entity. She has fallen out of time.
Perhaps that is why she feels so very far away from me?

17 comments:

  1. "Time rested its hand gently upon her head and then sent her away."

    This is so beautiful... It just crushed me and haunted me.

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  2. Staggering writing again.

    I'm so sorry that you feel so far from your precious Georgina.

    I have been told that time is a healer but I think you are nearer when you write that it dulls the mind.

    Sometimes I try to see time as a friend and a means to seeing Emma again someday. But it is difficult to look at things in that way because I wanted to spend time with her now.

    Take care

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  3. "Time rested its hand gently upon her head and then sent her away." Scheeuuu....what an amazing observation. It feels similar to me.

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  4. Catherine, all I can say is wow. Your words are so intense and meaningful. This is such a beautiful post in many ways. I can feel your pain in your words and wish I could take it all away. xx

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  5. Thank you for those words. They describe very well what I also sometimes felt.

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  6. sending you hugs and so much love. i can really relate to your words. thank you for helping me not to feel so alone.

    xoxo,
    erika

    littletinyfooptrints.blogspot.com

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  7. Wow. I need to go and think about this post lots. What a beautiful post.

    xx

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  8. As always Catherine, your writing leaves me breathless. What a beautiful and insightful post. It really compels one to think outside the box in terms of life and death. I tend to think in the ways of the Bible when it comes to my perception of life here on earth. I'm hoping that when they say a minute in Heaven is a hundred years on earth it's true and that Calvin will have been out of my life for mere moments (to him) until we are reunited. This also gives me something to think about though as far as time and waiting goes. Although I am living my life for me, my husband and daughters, I am also killing time until I can see my baby boy again. Thanks so much for this

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  9. You got me.
    Every. Single. Time.
    Amazingly thought provoking and stunning post x

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  10. Goodness, Catherine, this is beautiful. I sometimes feel like the shade too. xo

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  11. *hugs* Thinking of you and your sweet Georgina.

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  12. This is the most beautiful thing I have read in a very long time.

    Thank you.

    xo

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  13. I hate time. I see it. I feel it. I hate it.

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  14. Such amazing writing Catherine. I caught my breath reading this. Like Margaret, I live in hope Emma exists out of time and that, when we are reunited, it will be as if we had never been apart. That's what I hope for without any capacity for knowing if it's true.

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  15. I've been thinking of this since I read it. I don't have anything to say, this post stands alone somehow. It's beautiful, you're beautiful. Thank you x

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  16. 1609 days since my son died. This feels so familiar. People look at us and think 4 years, it should be gone over. Yet it has just become something I am used to living with now. He feels very far away too.

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